Tuesday, March 13, 2012


It seems like everyone and their mom these days tends to have a fail-proof method on how to pick a bracket winner. As such, I feel like I should find some way to better occupy myself than tying out spreadsheets, understanding an entity's control environment, or setting up meetings to recap about meetings in which we discussed meetings that already happened, I felt I should fire up the blogging machine again and proffer my fail-proof, scientific-method (a males brain produced it, fact) and allow you to profit off of my methodology's. Like, Wikipedia.
First, you have to understand what really makes the tournament interesting is that no one really knows who's going to win. Diaper Dandies? Isn't that a new E-Trade commercial? Bracket Busters? That just sounds dirty. Jay Bilas, Seth Davis, and Barack Obama proclaim to follow basketball. But clearly, they do not follow the sound methodology of basing their predictions off completely useless information, you know kind of like Rush Limbaugh. So with that in mind you have to determine what type of picker you are, are you a fashionista, scandalous, a survival of the fittest kind of guy, a revenge of the nerds fan, a church vs state advocate, or a lover of the fans. Below, I will explain how such irrelevant information such as uniforms, mascots, GPA's/earnings potential, a Joseph Smith/Mitt Romney supporter, or a Florida, FSU, Alabama, Texas, Virginia, UNC et all fan means everything for the next 4 weeks.
The colors:
It's no surprise that Nike and Adidas Duke and Badger it out each year to produce the best uniforms for their teams. In a very simple statement, you are what you wear. Not surprisingly the Conference tournaments produced the best and  worst of outfits. If you're a University of Oregon fan, you should probably turn away now cause all the following winners will give you nightmares. The top Final Four of the colors bracket should really be on the runway next year at New York Fashion Week:  North Carolina, Florida, (wonder who survived a confusing orange matchup with Virginia), Syracuse Orange sans Men, and the always understated Duke. After being a bit overwhelemed by the vibrant Orange that Syracuse came out of the tunnel with, the North Carolina Tar Argyles come out and stop the Orange with or without Fab Melo on the othersid,  Duke puts on a schooling (literally, GPA wise and figuratively playing wise), hands out business cards and then recruits Florida to work for them later in life, in a lopsided showing on this day out in Milan. And of course, the championship game has to be between two southern (ish) schools, separated by merely 15 miles down Tobacco Road. As fans come out in their Topsiders and Vineyard Vines  UNC returns home with the victory and of course the pride that they have beaten Duke before LAX season! WOHHOOO
Final Most Likely for the NCAA to claim never happened 4 years from now:
Kentucky- John Calipari has the dubious moniker of playing in 2 Final Fours that ultimately never happened anymore vs Syracuse. Jim Boheim is in a world of hurt right now, first the Bernie Fine sex scandal, then the Yahoo Sports investigation that athletes could continue playing even after failing multiple drug tests, and finally, maybe, the NCAA found a way to stop them today by refusing to let Fab Melo play in the tournament due to academic ineligibility. I have to be honest here for a minute. Being academically ineligible as a big time college athlete is god-awful. What do you have to do be ruled academically ineligible, I want to know, cause there is no way a lot of these players actually are eligible (even God's gift to this great earth, Tebow, who his one class senior year occurred during practice at Florida). Like, who didn't do this guy's homework? Has he mysteriously disappeared from the Syracuse campus? College athletes, and I speak from Big Time experience at Santa Clara, are coddled into every aspect of college life. Priority registration, tutors who must pull their hair out teaching them, and even paid baby-sitters who one job it is to make sure they go to class. Honestly, if you are ruled academically ineligible at this point of the game, you shouldn't even be allowed to go on to the Pro's. You my friend have failed at life and will not be successful anywhere. NBA teams take note. And Kentucky? Well, do i really need to introduce you to my good friend John? Ask Memphis and UMass about their tournaments 2008 and 1996 respectively... those didn't happen right? Anywho, this game will be played as scheduled on April 2nd, but any mention of it will quickly and swiftly be taken down by the powers that be in roughly 4 years. Maybe then Calipari will be coaching Santa Clara as his last ditch effort to make himself beloved.
By far the easiest bracket to call, it doesn’t take an idiot to figure this one out. Very simple, who wins in battle to the death of the fittest, deadliest animals/humans/mutants. While everyone likes Brutus the Buckeye, its very difficult for him to actually ever win anything, save for the hearts of Ohio. This year we have the aforementioned  Buckeye, the Wildcats (at least 2), Bearcats, Spartans, Seminoles, Tigers on Tigers on Tigers, Jayhawks, Jackrabbits, , Longhorns and Badgers and Wolverines, and of course the always dangerous Fighting Irish, spurred on by a chance to play on St. Paddy's day in front of 300 Million Irish American's. In this always tough and dangerous bracket, I like the Kentucky Wildcats (which are none as a fiercer strain of the wildcat variety than Kansas State) to beat the Spartans on one side while the Wolverines (aided by M) bear down on the unassuming Longhorns and play their brand of basketball (sorry I crack myself up sometimes). Ultimately in the final game, the Wolverines are no match for evil Magneto Calipari as he unleashes the mutant Tigers (professional animals playing in an animal Barnum and Bailey circus) for a bloody 76-75 battle, that even PETA had to watch.
Revenge of the Nerds:
This section is going to be as short as I forsee the run of these teams, and sadly the NCAA couldn't play along in letting in Northwestern. Anywho, in a new contest specifically designed for these two teams, Harvard and Vandy will enter into a new basketball era as they attempt to play one half of basketball, one game of Risk, one round of Jepoardy, and one round of quick guess our next president (my money is on  Tom Hamel who with a name like that, a pedigree of Philips Andover, and the resume he has in his bio, is a sure lock for the Big House in 2028). In a shocker, the Harvard runs away with the game, the knowledge, and your girlfriends in a first round win over Vandy and steamrolls Duke the following night in the first ever 2 round NCAA tournament (as all teams were required to forfeit after not one group of 5 could name all 50 states).
The War on Religion
In an ever surprising twist, religiously affiliated university's actually do well at sports (isn't that weird Santa Clara?). This year I count at least 14 schools (including 7 Jesuit Universities) in the big dance- EVEN SANTA CLARA! (oh wait) Also, for those that can guess all of those schools, I will personally take you out to Applebees and treat you to some good ole neighbourhood food. Anywho, this truly is a God's on our side, sort of debate. Rule of thumb, whenever in doubt, choose a savior and their God given school. In what is truly a great year for Mormon's everywhere, BYU goes far in this pool until Joseph Smith and Mitt Romney run out of steam and succumb to the evil, ice cold goodness all the way from Georgetown, HOYA SAXA.
Off-the Court Action:
While the college football games are always the most fun to watch for the crowd shots (here's to lookin at ya Songgirls, TCU fans, Longhorn Fans, the ENTIRE SEC) basketball brings out not only the beautiful but the CRAZIES. I really wish that every championship game was played at Cameron Indoor. After walking on this bit of nostalgia back in 2006 with my dad, I instantly knew why this place was so great for basketball. It is in every sense of the word a bandbox, and the fans there are so passionate, and so crazy it is a jungle in there. Alas, the NCAA doesn't care about the students, or the athletes for that matter, only the money. OCCUPY NCAA anyone? But for this bracket I say you can't go wrong with an SEC school (Alabama, Florida) an ACC School (Virginia, FSU, UNC) or a Big 12 School (Texas). Basically anything south will win this for you.
In closing, I'd like to quote the late, great Brian Fantana- "60% of the time it works all the time"

Coming Tomorrow:
Stay tuned to see which of my methods I actually chose, who I think will win, and who I am almost definitely wrong about.

No comments:

Post a Comment